The pain overtakes me at times. My vision starts to become blurry, my head begins to fog, my body begins to feel numb. As if my soul exited my body, I am not able to control myself. It’s as if I finished 2 bottles of hard liquor on my own, but the toxins are my depressive, uncontrollable thoughts that cause a blackout.
It is never pretty when this occurs, I begin unnecessary arguments with people I care for, I begin to pin everyone around me as an enemy, and all I see is hate. My eyes scream “I hate you”.
I strive every day to be carefree and to treat people with love. In reality, I am a very evil person. I can’t seem to get around wanting to help people, and if they decide to criticize my behavior, I feel attacked. I ask myself every moment, how and when did this become a thing? if I have always been this way deep inside? Will I ever change for the better?
I don’t know when to accept defeat. I don’t know when to take a breather and stop myself from saying things I may regret. It all sounds like static, like you are reaching a dead end with no signal. It seems that I live with so much anger, an overflowing amount of resentment that it affects everything and everyone around me. I fear that I will lose my loved ones because of this and I have no clue where to begin to prevent this negativity flowing inside me.
Truth be told, I do know the culprit behind this. There is no one to blame but myself. I live in my past, I live with such high anxiety levels with so much pressure put onto myself, which is all caused by… drumroll please.. MYSELF! Yes, this is obvious. But it is a journey to find the solution to get myself out of this cycle of darkness. There’s only so many excuses I can make: My past trauma, my childhood, my busy lifestyle. Those are things you can move past from. I am just using it as a way to run away from the actual process of accepting my wrongs.
I write to remind myself. But how big of a coward am I to continue writing self-help paragraphs if I cannot even follow through with them? It’s an up-hill battle, but the time has come. I am a coward and change must occur, now.
It’s time I begin sticking to my word. It’s time I begin cherishing those around me, it’s time I cherish the days I have left in this life. It’s time I focus on what is important, and to never create excuses and sulking on them later. Every decision I make, I must stand my ground and whatever happens after, good or bad, is caused by myself. It happens! There is no point in pondering, or wondering how it occurred. Time cannot be wasted. Respect others. Find your balance, everyone else is trying their best so it’s time you step up to the table.
Xx
She Blooms In June - by Lilia 