You hear the same words every so often. “I’ll do better.” “I’ll change”. “I promise”. You fall for it everytime, and the more time passes you start to become immune to those words. You dig a deeper hole for yourself and next thing you know you are mentally and physically stuck. You begin to create fake scenarios in your mind, thinking you are the reason there is no significant change or progress in the situation. You start to believe you are the bad one. You begin to shame yourself instead of the other person. They start to attack your weak points, they use your weakness to reel you in even closer. You are toxic. You are worthless. You don’t deserve anything good. Those thoughts continue to circle through your mind as time passes, and you can’t see a way out. They are continuing to give you empty promises, but also deteriorating your well-being at the same time.
Why do we fall into these traps? Why do we let people treat us in the worst possible way, but give them a chance to prove themselves wrong? People that have dealt with many different trauma in their lifetime seem to fall for it (mainly speaking for myself) — and for some reason we want to believe and show that we have gotten stronger from our past experiences but end up still having the weakest mindset when it comes to affection and being loved.
At one point you begin to feel numb. You expect someone to eventually hurt you and you basically let the pain merge into your bones. You tend to accept that all you can possibly feel is sadness; you don’t care to put in the effort in wanting to feel complete anymore. I am here to tell you that even if you get to that point of no return; you can return. You can jump back. Each and everyone of us are filled with so much love and passion that it is a complete waste to give yourself up to someone that ruined your well-being. You have to keep pushing, because in time, no matter if it is big or small, you will smile about something. Not just a grin, but a showing-your-teeth smile. A genuine grin from ear to ear. In that moment, you will temporarily forget all about the pain and sorrow that fills up most of your time and energy. Those are the moments to live for. That feeling is what makes it all worth not giving up. That you can eventually heal, grow, and become a better version of yourself. It doesn’t matter how long the process takes, but just hold on to that small light ahead of your life tunnel, and you will smile one day.
You see, this post somewhat makes me feel like a hypocrite. On a lot of days, sometimes consecutively, I am struggling. I am very mean to myself and forget to see small details in my life that fulfill me temporarily. So if you are reading this and thinking “She doesn’t get it” or “This is all so cliche”.. Trust me, I get that it is easier said than done 100%. I mainly write about these things to remind myself that it is possible to eventually grow in a positive way. I understand that it all takes time, It is a rocky road ahead for all of us. But the main message I wanted to get across, is that we are never alone. Each and everyone of us have our own battles we are dealing with, but at the end of the day we understand one another. We know how pain feels like. And we have to support one another by showing love and compassion. That is how we support each other by expressing pain and mending it at the same time.
Long story short, don’t let trauma ruin your life entirely. Don’t let toxic people and negative situations consume your precious time and energy. Continue to believe in yourself, manifest, and grow. Don’t be afraid to show teeth once in a while.
Love always.
Xo
She Blooms In June - by Lilia 