Writers Note

I am here, sitting cross legged with my back slightly hunched on my queen-sized Casper mattress. I am here, in my new loft-style apartment that my boyfriend and I just signed the lease for back in the beginning of July. I am here, listening to a Spotify playlist my boyfriend made for me called ‘June’. I am here, attempting to write a memoir. My life story. As I stare at my laptop screen wearing my pink framed JINS computer glasses that fit a tad bit small on my face, I start up a fourth entry of my memoir ‘The Red Slide’. This is the fourth draft I have for this book and I can’t seem to get past the segments of explaining my childhood. I have so many amazing things to say about my parents, but it doesn’t feel right if the bad weighs out the good. I am here, trying to figure out why I can’t get past writing about my childhood. Wondering what went wrong.

I tend to overthink pretty much every action, situation, and thought in my life. I believe it is a good and bad thing – but mostly bad. I catch myself wondering what my life would be like if I could just live a bit more spontaneous; if I could be happier without over analyzing every scenario or detail in my life time. I am here, realizing that I am once again over analyzing by writing this entry. But, this is who I am. I have been working on trying to change this dreadful trait for years. Could that be the reason why I continue to struggle, continue failing to accept myself? I am here, striving to be able to finally accept who I am as a human being and stop running away from the traits that make me who I am. I am here, saying this for the first time, It’s okay to not be okay. I am not okay, but one day I will find myself enjoying that feeling of being content. And once I find myself there, I am never looking back. I am here, making this promise to myself. I am here to stay.